"For a time, my mother was obsessed with a flaw she detected in my appearance. It began with a photograph I showed her, a closeup of my face. She peered at the picture with particular intensity. "Look," she said. "This eye is smaller." Then she turned to examine my actual eyes. "Yes, it is," she concluded, looking concerned. "The left one is smaller. You'd better have a doctor look at that. It could be a sign of thyroid disease." I looked again at the picture, and I could see it too. It was the same face I'd always had, but now my left eye had become the most prominent feature in it.
"For a while thereafter, every time I looked in the mirror, my left eye seemed to be at the center of my face. And during that period, every time I visited my mother, she would grasp my chin and examine my face: "That eye really is smaller. Have you talked to a doctor about it yet?" How had I missed this flaw all these years? Or was it really something new, a symptom of a disease? I did ask my doctor, who scoffed at my query and assured me there was nothing wrong wtih my thyroid — or my eye. The season of my smaller eye eventually passed. My left eye is still smaller, but it has ceased to seem a big liability. Only when my mother focused on it had it become a major flaw — had it appeared, taken shape, become prominent because it was the focus of her attention."
i read these two paragraphs to my mother one evening when i was home at the beginning of the month. i got about half-way through before i was laughing so hard i couldn't read anymore, mom couldn't breathe, and we both wiped away tears... i finally got to the end and we just sat on the bed together, sighing while we recovered from our fits of laughter. You're Wearing That? - Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Deborah Tannen is a genius. i recommend this book to everyone who has, had, or may one day have a mother. and mother's day is coming soon... order it now, and begin the life-long process of understanding.
5 comments:
i've always liked her. there's an essay of hers about how men and women use language differently in the classroom that i've taught a few times.
i heard her interview on npr when she talked about this book...make me think of you. :-)
i think this was the book/woman my mom heard on npr and passed along the info to me. my mom's not that critical of me. but her mom is of her. and it's all very interesting stuff.
that's how i found out about the book.... must have been npr time for all of us at that exact moment :)
It astounds me that NPR is such a source of information and I have almost no exposure to it nor do I know where to find it (though I assume it is on AM radio and there is a website). But, more to the point, I seriously might get that book for my mom for Mother's Day. Except, I wonder what she'll read into it?
well, i worried that at first too, but the book really is about "understanding mothers and daughters in conversation." who doesn't want to better understand the most important woma/en in her life? tannen talks a lot about related problems with daughters ganging up on moms with their dads, the complications of having additional daughters (that is, sisters) in the house, and generally asks both of us to stop being so sensitive! it's a message my mom and i both desperately need... not all the time, just about once every two years when we don't speak to eachother for a month or so over something one of us regards as silly and the other considers earth-shattering. i expect my mom will take it as a compliment that i want to improve our relationship so much, i'm willing to risk her being slightly offended (and thereby be, myself, in the doghouse) until she actually reads it. BUT i've pretty much already told her i'm getting it for "us" so maybe it's different... if you tell her about it, will she buy it for herself? or could you give her "fair-warning" and then give it to her?
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