hatred.

such a strong word - yet not quite strong enough to describe the way i feel about self-pity... my own that is.

i found myself between classes, wondering if i would *have* to go or not... imagining what i would do if i didn't go... then the terrible things which might befall me if i actually skipped... the worst possible thing: having to make up the work later. so i went.

i got out of class, 10 minutes early, and decided i wasn't brave enough to go to bible study. i wanted to go, but i wanted to go home. i wanted to see friends, but i wanted them to be at my house, watching tv with me. i wanted to study the word of God... but not *that* much! so i left, feeling sorry for myself, for missing it, and for having reasons to miss it like: "i'm tired and have too much to do," or "i'm hungry and want to by in my jammies," or "why can't it be cold so i can wear big poofy sweaters to class and curl up on the couch when i get to bible study?" real pressing, life-altering thoughts to be sure.

the self-pity creates horrible feelings like the way tears fight hand over fist to escape tear ducts while a lower jaw mashes itself to the rest of a skull creating a vice in which every insufferable thought is pureed for further consideration.

i got in my car and flipped on the radio. i flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped and flipped - through all 6 pre-programmed stations, then settled on an npr program about tom delay. there's a day-brightener.

as i rounded the corner at blossom and assembly, i saw it: the sun. the reason i was supposed to go home right then. it was huge and mishapen, hot pink and wavy as the day's and week's particulates were pressed down over the city by the high pressure system that made it so beautiful out... and i realize now, why i was meant to see it...

because sometimes, somedays, we are not who we normally are. we are that person we never want to be, the person other people might feel sorry for, because we feel sorry for ourselves, the person with a sour face, and tired eyes, and the desire to inflict the otherwise internal pain on others, perhaps with reason, perhaps not... sometimes it is just unusual circumstances and unfortunate patterns that turn us those beautiful but disturbing shades of hot pink...